Found you.

This is for you, the desperately curious one.

I have been very hesitant to tell you about the exact existence of this blog because it isn't a collection of my finest moments. In fact, it's mostly about my worst moments in the early years, and like every other human being, I'm scared that once these have been unearthed, I might become less in your eyes.

I will dedicate this to us as a collection of my thoughts and moments with you.

(what else is new? I'll convert you into an introspective person yet!!)

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I reread our texts exchanged and can't imagine you not being the way you are around me now. It's a lil pathetic how weak our flirting game was and what a far cry from our true selves it was. 

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You accuse me of not remembering what you said, but creepily, it's exactly when you mentioned your father that my heart melted into a puddle. (aka, your dad got u laid hehe)

You had me at "hug".

/

I actually don't really care for your drunk self compared to your sober one and even Tess concurs. So you need to get over yourself and realise that people actually like hanging with sober you.

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There is an infectious viral strain that I've contracted after hanging out with you for so long. It's the tendency to act on Monkey See and Monkey Do; when you raise your hands and wiggle your ass, I just am strongly inclined to imitate and join you without thought.

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One morning you first started playing music in the shower and we silly-danced our way through it, was the exact moment I realised that I could do this with you forever, and it made me ridiculously happy.

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I like being with you when you read.

Just being there, sleeping on you, drooling on you, reading my smutty fanfic beside you, or just staring creepily at you.

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I feel extremely proud watching you play, but super intimidated to play with you so why can't you just let me stay at beginner's level foreverrrrrrr.

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I can't wait to see you try your hand at dancing although I didn't really mean to force you into agreeing to it. I was shocked when you readily accepted my terms on a whim.

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Watching your family interact and quiz each other at math actually turns me into a puddle of mush and I'm happy to watch forever because my brain is useless.

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You let slip that you thought I was intelligent. And coming from a smart person like you, I was/am super duper flattered. I don't think I've received a better compliment in ages.

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You're so thoughtful in your own small ways that maybe you don't realise that I actually do pick-up and file them away in my memory bank. Remembering them makes me want to cry and congratulations you've touched my emotional ballsac.

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I know I let you have the full-force of my insecurities and did doubt how serious you were, once committed, but every day, you convince me more and more and I love you in your steadfast unwaveringness to making this succeed.

I gave a heart to a profile picture of a child on an app and got more than what I expected.

You make me happy to be with you and the feeling has only grown. Being myself no longer feels like an empty cage when you smile at me like the sun shines through my ass.

Hope has always been a bitter pill I would decline to swallow but I'd jump on the train and OD on it with you. Thank you for knowing what I need without words being said and thinking of me in ways that truly matter.

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I no longer have to feel sad at airport goodbyes because you make me feel like they're a promise of things to come and that you'd keep.

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I love you.

Once said, it has been addictive and I feel it in my bones.

/

I like myself more when I'm with you.

s p a c e

"It must be nice knowing each other for so long and still keeping in contact."

"Yes it is"

"Has Sherri changed much after all this time of knowing her?"

"-not really-"

"She changed a lot in the 4 years of university when I knew her"

*silence*

"-but there's still the same essence of her throughout"

I was surprised, not unpleasantly shocked, that X did feel so strongly about the changes I've gone through throughout these years.

"She was so self-righteous and headstrong when we first met, but now she feels looser, more flexible"

Tbh, I don't dislike who I am right now. I am at peace. That self-righteous person who once liked who she was; I hate her. 

Okay, hate is too strong a word.

I pity her. (/pitied)

>>There is this space inside me now, I'm not sure if "space" is even the right word, or is it a void. Space means that there's vacancy for other things, void means that there's something lacking, and somehow, both don't seem to match up still.

How could I not abandon that self-righteous persona, after questioning my own beliefs and how are others lesser than them?

How could I not abandon that headstrong attitude after realising that I don't have to be strong all the time, and that there are people who are more than willing to catch me?

No man is an island.

I'm proud of myself, after all this floundering, that I still have the essence that makes me, still me.

I have more empathy, more scars, more tears, more will, more strength, more swear words, less judgement, less tolerance, less words, less trust.

I have more willpower and wisdom to walk away from what is not good for me, but that doesn't make it easier each time I have to.

>>There is always the two sides warring: what if / i know

Forever a WIP and I can do with less emotional labour, more patience, less talking, more listening, less screens, more nature, less tears, more laughter, less flight, more concentration. But I thank the clouds for having friends that keep track of me along this road we walk.

It sometimes gets lonely, but I remember that I have my own company, and this voice inside my head becomes a friend, not a foe.

>>Morality has become grey, happiness has taken the wheel and everything else pales in comparison.

Suspended in mid air

As another significant chapter comes to an end, I can help but ponder on the hits and misses of our timelines.

The bitterness I held in my heart upon its end wasn't justified, but it stung all the same. Why is it when we want it to work, it's at different times?

I know they say that there's no such thing as the right person at the wrong time, because the right person would be timeless.


Is that true?

Is there such a person?

Is there such timelessness?


How absurd human nature is, to ponder on the negative but remember only the good things. People might forget what you did, but never how you made them feel.


Having your presence in my life made me feel good.
Knowing that we would want to live together made me feel good as well.

But letting go was akin to dropping a hot stone. It burnt my hands but seemed like neither of us was willing to hold it through the heat.


Not sure why I'm melancholic now when all I was was upset that when you dropped it, that there wasn't any fight. I want to ask you why? Was it not worth it? Was it fading?


I will remember the good things and maybe spend my life wondering how we were both agreeable on this dissolution so quickly. I was bitter, angry and tired. And you? I still don't know.



Would you even bother to tell me?